You know You are too fat when you pull down your T-shirt every freakin’ second.
You can no longer see your feet and you hear a riping sound when you bend over.
your belly can rest on your legs
your thighs touch and your feet are a foot apart...
you know you are too fat when: when you sit on a buss you take up the whole back row of seats
chineese men scream when you enter the buffet.
your family uses a rodeo clown to destract you when they bring home the groceries.
photos from outerspace still show clear shots of you.
Hardees designed a membership card and put your picture on the wall for the ammount of angus beef burgers you buy.
you've put at least 50 pizza hut delivery guys through college.
doctors believe they found Jimmy Hoffa in your A$$
Jenny Craig took one look at you and said "I quit!"
You had double doors constructed to the front of your house
- You hear 'beep beep beep' when you walk backwards
- Greenpeace tries to push you in the ocean when your laying on the beach
- Your job appliance at NASA for astronaut is rejected with the comment that there just isn't enough room in space for you
- you buy dresses at the tent section of the local camping shop
- you cant stand still near supermarkets since people will mistake you for a glass-container
- elephants get stiffies if you walk trough the zoo
- (sort of mentioned before) you need a satellite to make passport photo's
-ur body has time warped
-u have smaller fat ppl orbiting u
-u can only 1/3 of ur left butt cheek on ur toilet
- You can be the leading character in a monstermovie without the need of make up and prosthetics
- You have a McDonalds restaurant on your ass
- Hollywood considers 'The Blob, part 3' after spotting you
- Farting causes a tornado
- People bumping in to you are lost for years
- Your gynecologist is also a mine-worker
-if the moon was made of cheese u've eaten it
-u float to ur holiday destination
-Martians think ur butt is a ten planet next to earth
- your body is part of the Paris-Dakar rally route
- doctors no longer keep count of your cholesterol level, but of the amount of normal flesh, since that requires less writing
- you can be a country on your own
- biologists discover new lifeforms between your rolls
- you no longer need to bend your knees to sit down
- and of course (from The Nutty Professor) when your lover is done givin the sugar and rolls over twice he is still on top of you!
- you can't pause on a rollerskate trip next to a car cause you'll get towed away for double parking
- Dawn of the Dead is your fault when you die (when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth!)
- your birth influenced the rotation speed of earth
- compasses no longer point to the north
I'm ashamed to admit that I was caught snacking on a carrot (and that's not a euphemism) after unpacking the week's groceries tonight. It's a sure sign that I'm much too fat. What are the other signs?
Your size 40" waist pants are tight.
When elasticated jeans actually sound like a good idea
people keep telling you that you look well and that you are obviously enjoying life!
When the carrot is embedded in a large greasy donner kebab!
There's a great story Orson Welles used to tell. He was making the film Touch of Evil, in which he played a hugely obese police officer. Although he already was a big man, he wore a fat suit for the film that added another 150pounds and he was wore loads of facial make-up that changed the shape of his nose, cheeks and chin. Invited to a Hollywood party, he went along in his fat-suit and make-up because he didn't have time to change. On arrival at the party, the hostess greeted him with: "Orson, you're looking so well."
When you stand on the bathroom scales they break under pressure.
1) You can't wipe your arse.
2) You crack the bathtub just standing in it.
3) Someone else has to put your socks and shoes on for you.
4) You wear out a mattress every 30 days.
When your stretch pants have stretch marks.
You know you are TOO FAT when you get up off of a metal chair and have to "fluff it up"
You just have to have that last slice of pie.....
Last slice??? You mean, the WHOLE pie
your wife hides the bread.
When Will C stands next to you at a party because you make him look thin
BONUS TRACK:
MEET TRUMPETMIDGET!
